The Cat in the Closet LWW in 5 Minutes
by Stigandr
Summary: This is a short script parodying the book and BBC version of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. It's funny. And Aslan likes it. He told me so. Please RR.


**Disclaimer:** Both characters and plot belong to CS Lewis.

Cat in the Closet:

The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

In Five Minutes

**Lucy:** It's a big house we've been evacuated to. What's in this wardrobe?

_(She walks through the __**Wardrobe**_

**Lucy: **Snow! And… a fawn?

**Mr T: **Hello! I'm Mr Tumnus! Are you a daughter of Eve?

**Lucy: **Yes, I am! I'm Lucy.

**Mr T:** Welcome to Narnia. You must come back to my house and have tea with me!

**Lucy: **I'm aware that going to a stranger's house for tea is dangerous and stupid, but you look like a nice person. Ok!

**Mr T: **And then I can sell you to the White Witch!

**Lucy: **What? Please don't!

**Mr T:** Of course I can't. I'm a very bad fawn. I'm so scared of the White Witch. Run back home, Lucy!

_**Lucy**__ runs back through the __**Wardrobe.**__ She sees __**Peter, Susan **__and __**Edmund**_

**Lucy: **I've been to the magical world of Narnia. It's in a cupboard. Or something. Come and see!

_(The __**Wardrobe**__ doesn't open)_

**Peter:** Err… good joke Lou!

**Susan:** What are you going on about Lucy? Stop being silly!

**Edmund:** She's an idiot! Batty, quite batty!

**Lucy: **_(crying and upset)_ I'm not lying! I never lie!

**Peter:** I know Lou, to cheer you up, let's play hide and seek!

_**Susan**__ counts. __**Peter**__ runs off. __**Lucy**__ climbs into the __**Wardrobe.**_

**Edmund:** I know, because I'm a nasty brat, I'll follow Lucy and scare her!

_(He enters the __**Wardrobe**_

**Edmund:** Oh no! I really AM in Narnia! I hate it when women are right!

_(The __**White Witch**__ rides on, on an imaginary horse)_

**WW:** I'm the Queen of Narnia. Who are you, idiot boy? A dwarf?

**Edmund:** No, your majesty! I AM an idiot boy! A human! Wow, my ONE BROTHER AND TWO SISTERS will be gutted they missed a royal visit!

**WW: **There are four of you? Here, have some Turkish Delight!

_**Edmund **__scoffs it up)_

**WW: **You like that, don't you? Come back later with your brother and sisters, and you can have more. And I'll make you a prince. And I won't turn you all to stone, honestly!

**Edmund:** Can't I have some more food?

**WW: **NO!!!!!!! Now get lost. I live over there, so meet me there when you bring them.

_**WW **__rides off and __**Lucy **__comes on.)_

**Lucy:** It's great that you're here! Let's bring the others!

**Edmund:** What? Oh, ok.

_(They climb through the __**Wardrobe, **__and meet __**Peter **__and __**Susan.**_

**Lucy:** Edmund and I have been to Narnia!

**Edmund:** Err… no we haven't. Honestly!

**Susan:** Lucy, stop lying!

**Peter:** Oh no, the housekeeper, Mrs Macready!

_**Mrs Macready **__enters.)_

**Mrs M:** Get oot of ma ware, children!

_**(The children**__ climb through the __**Wardrobe)**_

**Peter:** Sorry I didn't believe you, Lou! Edmund, you're a lying, nasty little creep.

**Edmund:** I'll get my revenge you wait and see!

**Lucy: **Oh no, Mr Tumnus's house has been trashed! He's been taken by the Witch!

**Susan:** What are we to do?

_**Mr Beaver**__ enters)_

**Mr B:** Hello, I'm Mr Beaver. I was a friend of Mr Tumnus's. Come to my house and have tea!

**Lucy: **I'm aware that going to a stranger's house for tea is dangerous and stupid, but you look nice. Ok!

**Mr B:** May the Force be with you...No, I mean…. ASLAN IS ON THE MOVE!

**Edmund:** What are you going on about?

_**(Mrs Beaver **__enters)_

**Mrs B:** Hello children! Let's go and see Aslan!

**Susan: **Will somebody tell us who this Aslan bloke is?!!

**Mr B:** He's the king of the beasts: a lion; a metaphor for Jesus Christ.

**Mrs B:** And he's going to sort out the Witch alright!

**Peter: **That's good. It'll be scary meeting a lion!

**Edmund:** Won't the White Witch turn him into stone?

**Mr B:** Ha ha! Idiot boy! Of course not, he's blooming God!

**Mrs B:** We'll meet him at the Stone Table.

**Edmund: **_(pointing) _What's that?

_(While everyone looks in the direction he was pointing, __**Edmund**__ runs away.)_

**Lucy:** Where's Edmund?

**Susan:** I didn't see him leave.

**Peter:** This is all my fault.

**Mr B: **No, He's gone off to the witch! He's treacherous!

**Mrs B: **Righto then, let's go off and find Aslan. He's the only one who can save Edmund!

_(They exit. __**Edmund **__comes on)_

**Edmund:** Oh no, what have I done?

_**White Witch **__enters)_

**WW:** HOW DARE YOU COME ALONE! I TOLD YOU AGAIN AND AGAIN TO BRING THE OTHERS WITH YOU!!!!!

**Edmund: ** I'm sorry, I tried. They've all gone off to see Aslan at the Stone Table.

**WW:** WHAT? Let's go!

_(She drags him off. The __**Children**__ see __**Aslan**_

**Susan:** Look, it's the cowardly lion from the Wizard of Oz

**Aslan: **No, that's my cousin Nigel. I'M Aslan, the true king of Narnia. And have I got a surprise for you!

**Susan:** Well, have you?

**Aslan: **Yes, it's your brother Edmund! I rescued him from the Witch, and he's now a much better person.

**Edmund:** Sorry, you lot!

**Peter:** That's ok, me too!

**Lucy: **Group hugs!

**Susan:** Let's never fight again!

_(The __**Children **__exit and the __**White Witch**__ enters)_

**WW:** Aslan, Edmund belongs to me! He's mine to kill.

**Aslan:** Remember the deep magic!

**WW: **Oh, ok. I'll kill you instead!

_(She leads him offstage. She then enters alone.)_

**WW:** Hahaha! I killed him! I'm the ruler over Narnia now, and there's nothing he can do about it! I'm the Killer Queen! Guaranteed to blow your mind!

_**WW **__exits and __**Lucy**__ and __**Susan**__ enter, crying)_

**Susan: **Oh no! She's killed him!

**Lucy:** The coward! Oh, poor Aslan!

_**Aslan **__enters)_

**Aslan:** Don't worry kids, I'M BACK!

**Susan: **Simba, is it you?

**Lucy: **The king has returned!

**Aslan:** How many lions do you think there are in Narnia? It's me!

**Susan and Lucy:** ASLAN!!! YAY!!!!

**Aslan:** Let's go and turn the statues back into people.

**Lucy: **Look! Mr Tumnus!

_**(Aslan**__ breathes on the frozen __**Mr Tumnus)**_

**Mr T:** Lucy! And… ASLAN! Oh, thank you!

**Aslan:** And now…. Let's go and kick some witch butt!

_(They all exit. __**Everyone**__ enters, fighting. When the __**White Witch**__ sees __**Aslan**__ she screams and falls to her death.)_

**Everyone:** Ding dong the witch is dead! Which old witch? The wicked old witch!

**Aslan:** Children, you will be kings and queens over Narnia. You'll end up going home at the end of the book, but remember: ONCE A KING OR QUEEN IN NARNIA, ALWAYS A KING OR QUEEN. But for now… LET'S BOOGY!!!!!!

_(Fun music comes on, and they all dance. The End.)_

**Author's Note: If you enjoyed this story, why not also try **_**The Smegging of the Shire**_**, an original **_**Lord of the Rings**_** comedy.**


End file.
